Covid-Reflections Blog – The Tired SEND Parent

After a call from a concerned parent, who was upset about the possible impact of the Governments changes to EHCP legislation, and a call from a colleague earlier in the week concerned about the nature of the SEND family risk assessment and my own tired SEND parent experience, I have decided to share this as my debut blog.

Just scrolling through instagram cofirms that  parents worldwide relate to being tired and being pulled in a number of competing directions but during this time I have found that all of my responsibilities seem to be competing for the same minute of the same day, and the loveable scrappy, strong-willed spirit of my son seems to be rightly winning the competition.

Now in our Pre-lockdown existence, my son’s needs have a ‘manageable’ impact on our day to day life, yes we have tired and frustrated days, yes there are appointments and extra conversations that are required to support him and yes some days are emotionally hard if we look too far into the future but in general his needs are such that we get on with our day to day responsibilities, with a little prioritising and adjustment along the way.   However, in my years of experience with SEND Families I know that this is not always the case and that there is an on-going challenge to balance needs, emotions, sometimes safety and a system that is rarely in-tune with the demands of the SEND family dynamic.

However, today I have to #unapologetically admit that parenting a SEND child during lockdown has been extra challenging, even with my years of experience and expertise; and from some of my conversations there are many others who are experiencing the same tired SEND parent vibe.  Now , I won’t generalise, as I am also aware of parents I work with who are enjoying the reduced pressures of external factors such as school and social situations, which is often a source of tension in their lives, but I must admit for the first time in five years, I am officially experiencing  the tired, no let me say drained SEND parent feeling, and here are my reasons why.

My son has suddenly become very demanding of my attention which is resulting in a symphony of Mom, Momm, mommmmy and the new one Mumma (he says with a giggle), which echoes through our home whenever I am not close.  His sleeping is unsettled.  He is asking constant questions, he is emotional and defiant, which is entirely new for him and he is showing sensory needs which were not easily identifiable before this time.

Now, maybe these changes are due to the juggling of my business priorities and my husband’s work requirements, which have meant that we are tag – team – home – schooling – ish and barely having a minute to sit together as a trio until the evening, when everyone is tired.

Maybe it is because of the time we had to explain to our usually very loving and kissy child that he can’t hug and kiss mommy because she is not well. Or the time he has experienced his parent’s tears as we received multiple word of a loved ones passing.

Or maybe much more simply, he is just stir crazy at the sight of the house and his only way to manage and express his feelings is to cling deeply to what is safe, familiar, constant.

Whatever, the reasoning I have seen the impact of this time on my usually take it as it comes, sociable and loving chid and in turn his usually relaxed, take it as it comes parents;  which moves me to think even more deeply about the families and schools I support, and how will the emotional toll of this time be supported, in the short and long term.   Will there be a National response to supporting all families, not just taking lockdown into consideration but the individual experience of lockdown, to ensure that support is tailored and effective? Or will schools have to think even more creatively about Mental Health and its impact on individuals, communities and society as a whole?

I will write another piece on my thoughts about Educations response but for now I want to share my thoughts with you, my fellow tired (drained) SEND parent;

1. Remember, you are enough, and your children love all that you are and do
2. Reduce the impact of external factors such as Government announcements about SEND, by taking a minute to assess its immediate impact on your child and what this means for you and your family while in Lockdown. If very little than breathe and get ready for the conversations when society starts to move towards a ‘Norm’ again.    If you feel that it will have an immediate impact, draw up your thoughts contact your LEA and then discuss with others you can trust but don’t get too stressed on top of everything else that is happening, you are also important.
3. Which leads me on to BE Kind to yourself – (feel free to read a previous blog about self-care, written in slightly calmer times so adapt it to your present circumstances)
4. Let your child lead the day when it is possible and safe for them to do so, it can prove to be the most enjoyable of moments.
5. Just Be.. we are all in this together

If you feel that you would like to discuss any issues that you and your family are facing in relation to a SEND need, feel free to book in to one of my free Coffee and Chats – and we can be tired SEND parents together over a coffee.

Stay Safe and Well,

Emma

Supporting you to Uniquley take your place.

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